Do you ever sit and wonder why? I'm sure you do. Why didn't you do things differently? Why didn't you choose this career? Why didn't you go onto college or finish college? Why didn't you try harder in high school? Why? Why? Why? We humans ask that a lot of not only ourselves but of God. Why did you put me here? Why did you take this job away from me? Why God, why? I don't have a definitive answer for you but what I do have is life experience.
My life has had a lot of whys. Have all of the whys been answered? Some yes, some no, and some I don't know about. We ask God for a lot of things, things WE think are what is best for us. Most recently for me, it was a job. Actually, it was 6 years after getting my degree and 2.5 years after being given the most difficult boss ever. I applied for a lot of jobs the last 6 years, the most being the last 2.5 years. I had a few interviews and a lot of jobs not even acknowledging that I had even applied. The jobs I did interview for, I of course, thought I was the right fit. I thought THIS is the job that is going to get me out, the job that is going to finally be the job that I can use my degree for. I remember going to one job interview and thinking, wow this is it. I felt great walking out of it, I felt like I had connected with the interviewers, and I didn't live all that far away. A month later I found out that I did not get the job. A few months later I interviewed for another job. This one I REALLY thought was the one. I drove a long way for this interview; thinking in the back of my mind that this was too far to drive especially if it's winter time. But I still thought, "this is the one." I interviewed and when I left, I got to my car and cried and cried. I felt that the interview went horrible, I said um a lot, I felt disconnected, frustrated, and nervous. I sobbed all the way home. At the same time, I heard this song on KLOVE radio by Finding Favour, "Cast my Cares." "When fear feels bigger than my faith, and struggles steal my breath away, my backs pressed up against a wall, with the weight and the worries stacked up tall, You're strong enough to hold it all...I will cast my cares on you, You're the anchor of my hope, the Only One who's in control. I will cast my cares on You, I'll trade the troubles of this world for Your peace inside my soul."
I realized as I listened to that song that I had to cast my cares on God. God was and is the ONLY ONE who could get me through it all. Did that mean that I didn't question or doubt? Nope, I'm a sinful human being, I still doubted and I still questioned. I still got angry for the situation I was in and didn't seem like I was getting out. The anxiety, the fear, the sadness it affected my family too. They didn't like seeing me upset, crying, anxious, sad, depressed. And even though they got tired of hearing my complaints about the things going on at that job, they still stood by me. And yes, God still was standing by me, even though I was having a hard time.
Another song I listened to a lot back then, like every single day as I drove to work, was Jeremy Camp's Be Still song. "Lord help me now to face this battle. My strength has failed and my eyes can't see through the waves of doubt that take me under, in the chaos I hear you speak." We were never promised that life would be easy. But we were promised a Risen Savior. We were promised eternal life in the glory of the Lord. We were promised that we would be redeemed. Yes, we face all kinds of struggles, trials, adversities, but if you look deeply at those things, we can come out a whole new and much better human being than we were before. But YOU have to make that choice to trust God. To trust that He has your back at all times. To trust that when you're going through the most difficult times in your life, that He will redeem you. But you have to trust Him and give the worry, the doubt, the fear to Him. No other human being is going to give you what God will give you and no other human being will make you what God will make you to be.
Sometime in late November/early December 2015, something happened at work that was just heartbreaking. And one day I just sat at my desk and I said Lord, I can't do this anymore...I am giving all this pain to You. Only You know my path and only You know why. So I am going to just trust You. After that a lot of various different jobs were posted. I applied for as many as I could. I went into the process, having in mind, that I was just going to trust God with it. If I didn't get an interview, then that job just wasn't for me. I must have applied for 11 jobs in a month...none of them called me for an interview. I kept applying for jobs. The middle of January 2016, I received an email from a kind co-worker informing me of a job opening at a local hospital, in the medical library. I opened up the link, looked at the job description and thought, yeah why not?! So, I started the application, I asked a dear former supervisor to edit my cover letter. Once I had that and made the changes, I submitted it. Within a half an hour of submitting everything I got a call to interview. Now, this had happened to me once before back in October of 2014 so I was working hard on not getting my hopes up. I set my interview up and 5 days later I interviewed for the Medical Librarian job. I was a nervous wreck as I sat at home that day preparing. No one was home....I did a workout, sat and relaxed for a while, worked on prepping for my interview, and sat in prayer. When I got to my interview, the HR director was very kind and helped me feel at ease, I instantly felt comfortable. We chatted for a little bit, not about the job, just about various things and then he asked me some interview questions. By that time, I was so relaxed that I answered the questions with ease. I left that interview feeling pretty good but yet at the same time I did not want to get my hopes up. I continued to just let God lead the way. I was phoned a day or two later and asked to meet with the HR director and one of the physicians. I met with them and again felt at ease and comfortable. I was told that I'd either hear from them later that day or the next day. It was about an hour later that I was phoned and offered the job. It was too good to be true...but it was true! Now as I sit in my new position after almost 5 months, I can see why I had to be where I was for the last 2.5 years. Had I not endured all that pain, I would not be in the job I am today. I gained more valued experience, taught to me by one of my mentors, Phyllis.
Could I see all of this before? No, I couldn't, I wasn't meant to. But I see it all now. When we let fear and doubt enter our minds, we don't see things clearly. We make rash decisions, we snap, yell, and say hurtful things to those we love the most. We don't want to take a look at what is going on with us deep down inside. We want to blame someone for the situation we are in. That's usually God, the boss, co-workers, kids, husband/wife, friends, and on and on. But we don't ever look to the unholy one, the devil...evil is all around us and unfortunately it takes a strong hold on some and not on others. People are going to hurt us, they are going to stab us in the back, that is the evil we face in this world. We cannot let those things define us. We cannot let those things corrupt our soul, our families, our marriages, our friendships. That's what Satan wants...he wants us to be hateful, mean, negative, doubt, fear. He wants us to question ourselves, question God, blame God, blame others for where we are. We never look at why we are where we are because we are being made into diamonds. God is refining us for something even bigger. I want to shine like a diamond. In all my suffering and pain, God is making me into a diamond. And I can either choose to go with that or let the devil and his minions take me down to a deep dark place that won't help me or the ones I love. The devil seeks to destroy and he'll destroy in anyway possible. I will not let that define me...I will not let that control me. There's a part in the song Diamonds by Hawk Nelson that says, "Oh the joy of the Lord, it will be my strength, when the pressure is on He's making diamonds."
Let God make you into a diamond! If you're going through difficult struggles right now, let Him take those struggles and refine you into a beautiful diamond that He believes you are. Give Him your worries, use the people He has put in your life to help you during this time, ask Him to give you strength. Don't ever doubt yourself or think less of yourself. God doesn't think that way of you. He gave His One and Only Son to die for you. That's a God who loves you unconditionally!
One last song...the latest song that I am just loving...it says so much! Thy Will by Hillary Scott...it's not my will be done...it's God's Will be done...it's His Best for us! Trust His plans for you!
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Monday, October 5, 2015
Reflection!
Lately I've been reflecting back on various things in my life. My childhood, my early adult years, and now my later adult years. I think what has brought this is on is the amount of changes that have been occurring in my life. While it's not anything new, my oldest son Zach is approaching 24 (how did that happen), my youngest son Eric is 15 and driving on a permit, and the various things going on at my job. I've had a hard time lately wrapping my head around everything and wondering sometimes where life went and how did it get away from me.
Do you ever sometimes, just sometimes, long for the day to be a kid again? Where life was carefree, no responsibilities other than to play and hang with your friends. And even then you long to be an adult. And then the adult thing happens and you wish you were a kid again. Adult life isn't as easy as it looked as a kid. Adult life means more responsibilities and less free time to be a kid. Adulting, yes I said adulting I know it's not a word, is hard. You get married to the love of your life and you think it's going to be all sugar and roses or whatever that saying is, and you find out it's not always those things. It's work, work that while worth it, it consumes the mind because you're constantly wondering if you're pleasing your spouse and doing everything you can for them. But you're not, you're trying but it's hard to do that. Your time and energy seems to be going to things that are important but in the whole grand scheme of things they really aren't all that important, other than your spouse and kids. Yeah your job is important. But how can you concentrate on keeping your marriage alive and safe in a life that's been dominated by stress from work life. How can you keep from snapping at those you love because the stress from your job is overtaking your body and mind. The fear from the job is keeping you from enjoying life!
See I've been in a real stressful work environment for quite some time and while I've tried to get away from it, it seems my lot right now is to remain where I am and continue enduring all that is thrown at me. And at the same time my home life suffers. Counseling has taught me that I need to separate myself from work when I go home but that's hard to do when it just continues to consume you because you can't seem to understand why you can't get out. You've lost all desire to do much of anything. I'm lucky I still manage to get my workouts in on a daily basis.
Last night as I went to bed, I laid there thinking how out of control I felt my life was right now. My mind is out of sorts, I have no desire to do many things that I used to enjoy. Life has become mundane to me. I'm wallowing in my pity...yes that's what I'm doing. I feel I've distanced myself from those I love the most and I don't know how to get that back. I feel like the stress from my job has robbed me of all the things I love and cherish the most and I've lost all ways of showing those around me how much they truly mean to me.
In 5 days, my husband and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage. A feat that not many would have thought we'd make it to. I know he doesn't think it but I love my husband with all my heart and I thank God that he's in my life. He's become exactly the man God knew I needed in my life. I don't show that all that well and within the last couple of years it's been harder for me to show because of the pit I'm in in my job. Two years ago I lost 40 lbs and felt the best I ever have in life and then suddenly I felt my bubble burst from that and I went into this despair. I've had my librarian degree for over 5 years and here I sit STILL not using it. I've worked in libraries for 20 years and I'm at the point now that for some reason I have to prove myself when my credentials are clear. So now I sit and wonder what do I do with my career. Do I continue on this path or do I take another one? Will that one lead me to feeling better about myself and my life. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband with all my heart and I love my two sons with everything in me. They are all a gift from God and I'm truly blessed. I just pray that one day soon I can get my mojo back.
I listen to KLOVE on a daily basis. There are so many songs out there that I feel show how I feel lately. Here are a few....I pray you'll take the time to listen to.
Do you ever sometimes, just sometimes, long for the day to be a kid again? Where life was carefree, no responsibilities other than to play and hang with your friends. And even then you long to be an adult. And then the adult thing happens and you wish you were a kid again. Adult life isn't as easy as it looked as a kid. Adult life means more responsibilities and less free time to be a kid. Adulting, yes I said adulting I know it's not a word, is hard. You get married to the love of your life and you think it's going to be all sugar and roses or whatever that saying is, and you find out it's not always those things. It's work, work that while worth it, it consumes the mind because you're constantly wondering if you're pleasing your spouse and doing everything you can for them. But you're not, you're trying but it's hard to do that. Your time and energy seems to be going to things that are important but in the whole grand scheme of things they really aren't all that important, other than your spouse and kids. Yeah your job is important. But how can you concentrate on keeping your marriage alive and safe in a life that's been dominated by stress from work life. How can you keep from snapping at those you love because the stress from your job is overtaking your body and mind. The fear from the job is keeping you from enjoying life!
See I've been in a real stressful work environment for quite some time and while I've tried to get away from it, it seems my lot right now is to remain where I am and continue enduring all that is thrown at me. And at the same time my home life suffers. Counseling has taught me that I need to separate myself from work when I go home but that's hard to do when it just continues to consume you because you can't seem to understand why you can't get out. You've lost all desire to do much of anything. I'm lucky I still manage to get my workouts in on a daily basis.
Last night as I went to bed, I laid there thinking how out of control I felt my life was right now. My mind is out of sorts, I have no desire to do many things that I used to enjoy. Life has become mundane to me. I'm wallowing in my pity...yes that's what I'm doing. I feel I've distanced myself from those I love the most and I don't know how to get that back. I feel like the stress from my job has robbed me of all the things I love and cherish the most and I've lost all ways of showing those around me how much they truly mean to me.
In 5 days, my husband and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage. A feat that not many would have thought we'd make it to. I know he doesn't think it but I love my husband with all my heart and I thank God that he's in my life. He's become exactly the man God knew I needed in my life. I don't show that all that well and within the last couple of years it's been harder for me to show because of the pit I'm in in my job. Two years ago I lost 40 lbs and felt the best I ever have in life and then suddenly I felt my bubble burst from that and I went into this despair. I've had my librarian degree for over 5 years and here I sit STILL not using it. I've worked in libraries for 20 years and I'm at the point now that for some reason I have to prove myself when my credentials are clear. So now I sit and wonder what do I do with my career. Do I continue on this path or do I take another one? Will that one lead me to feeling better about myself and my life. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband with all my heart and I love my two sons with everything in me. They are all a gift from God and I'm truly blessed. I just pray that one day soon I can get my mojo back.
I listen to KLOVE on a daily basis. There are so many songs out there that I feel show how I feel lately. Here are a few....I pray you'll take the time to listen to.
This is what means the WORLD to me!!! My family! I love them all so very much!
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