Do you ever sometimes, just sometimes, long for the day to be a kid again? Where life was carefree, no responsibilities other than to play and hang with your friends. And even then you long to be an adult. And then the adult thing happens and you wish you were a kid again. Adult life isn't as easy as it looked as a kid. Adult life means more responsibilities and less free time to be a kid. Adulting, yes I said adulting I know it's not a word, is hard. You get married to the love of your life and you think it's going to be all sugar and roses or whatever that saying is, and you find out it's not always those things. It's work, work that while worth it, it consumes the mind because you're constantly wondering if you're pleasing your spouse and doing everything you can for them. But you're not, you're trying but it's hard to do that. Your time and energy seems to be going to things that are important but in the whole grand scheme of things they really aren't all that important, other than your spouse and kids. Yeah your job is important. But how can you concentrate on keeping your marriage alive and safe in a life that's been dominated by stress from work life. How can you keep from snapping at those you love because the stress from your job is overtaking your body and mind. The fear from the job is keeping you from enjoying life!
See I've been in a real stressful work environment for quite some time and while I've tried to get away from it, it seems my lot right now is to remain where I am and continue enduring all that is thrown at me. And at the same time my home life suffers. Counseling has taught me that I need to separate myself from work when I go home but that's hard to do when it just continues to consume you because you can't seem to understand why you can't get out. You've lost all desire to do much of anything. I'm lucky I still manage to get my workouts in on a daily basis.
Last night as I went to bed, I laid there thinking how out of control I felt my life was right now. My mind is out of sorts, I have no desire to do many things that I used to enjoy. Life has become mundane to me. I'm wallowing in my pity...yes that's what I'm doing. I feel I've distanced myself from those I love the most and I don't know how to get that back. I feel like the stress from my job has robbed me of all the things I love and cherish the most and I've lost all ways of showing those around me how much they truly mean to me.
In 5 days, my husband and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage. A feat that not many would have thought we'd make it to. I know he doesn't think it but I love my husband with all my heart and I thank God that he's in my life. He's become exactly the man God knew I needed in my life. I don't show that all that well and within the last couple of years it's been harder for me to show because of the pit I'm in in my job. Two years ago I lost 40 lbs and felt the best I ever have in life and then suddenly I felt my bubble burst from that and I went into this despair. I've had my librarian degree for over 5 years and here I sit STILL not using it. I've worked in libraries for 20 years and I'm at the point now that for some reason I have to prove myself when my credentials are clear. So now I sit and wonder what do I do with my career. Do I continue on this path or do I take another one? Will that one lead me to feeling better about myself and my life. Don't get me wrong...I love my husband with all my heart and I love my two sons with everything in me. They are all a gift from God and I'm truly blessed. I just pray that one day soon I can get my mojo back.
I listen to KLOVE on a daily basis. There are so many songs out there that I feel show how I feel lately. Here are a few....I pray you'll take the time to listen to.
This is what means the WORLD to me!!! My family! I love them all so very much!
